Dear 49er Fan,

There is nothing like watching my team getting thoroughly swept by your team two years in a row that will now turn me into a Sith Lord and an old school member of Cobra Kai. As the dust has settled on this latest overwhelming defeat to your San Fransisco 49ers, I have calmed myself down enough to find my clarity and balance again. Here are my Monday morning thoughts for your reading pleasure.

On one of your evening commutes home this week, I hope you slip on wet slimy leaves, and you do a face plant into fresh pile of dog shit that someone left in your parking strip. I hope when you get up, you hit your head on a heavy branch and it leaves a weird looking deep gash on your forehead that resembles the numbers 666.

When you get inside your home, I hope your spouse is hosting unexpected guests, and when you quickly dip into the bathroom to cleanup, you feel the overwhelming need take a huge shit first. I hope you discover you are out of toilet paper after you dropped your load.

I hope that, instead of yelling for help and drawing attention to the situation, you decide to use your hand to clean your ass. Then I hope when you get to the sink to wash your poopy hand and your poopy face, a giant black spider comes out of the water drain, and it scares you so much that you slip and fall backward and you hit your head on the way down to the floor. I hope after the loud crash, the door of the bathroom opens up, and the entire room full of guests sees you sprawled out on the floor, your junk on display along with your poopy face and poopy hand, and that weird bloody 666 shaped gash on your forehead.

This is my hope for you. It’s nothing person. I’m sure outside of rooting passionately for that vile organization down in Northern California, you are not so terrible. Outside of sports, we might even be friends, but this is just how I feel, especially after coming at me during and after the game yesterday.

So, revel all you want in sweeping my Seahawks again for another year. My one big hope for your team is that they make it all the way to the Super Bowl only to lose to the Chiefs again, but this time around with Brock Purdy throwing three interceptions, and Fred Warner breaking his leg.

Yeah. I can be petty, but I hate your team. I just do. It’s a hate that I am oh so happy to revel in.

I hate your show boating tight end, and your chump middle linebacker Fred Warner who pushed the back of DK Metcalf’s neck when he was on the ground which led DK into retaliating and getting ejected. I hate proud boy Nick Bosa who looks like a dude who would hang out with Homelander in his spare time. I hate your jerk of a left tackle, I hate your snot nosed head coach, and Deebo is welcomed to suck on my tale pipe in rush hour traffic anytime he wants.

The only person associated with your team that I don’t hate is your quarterback, but give it time. I’m sure I will get there.

As for my Seahawks, good freaking Christ what a mess. Where do I even start?

I hate their situation at guard and center, and I really hate that they never commit to acquiring top end talent on the interior of their offensive line. Tired of this. I need a new aggressive strategy for fixing this offensive line FOR ONCE.

I hate that they ridiculously overpaid two safeties who no longer tackle and their coverage is kinda shit too. People can complain all they want to about Jamal Adams but I don’t see Quandre Diggs making any big plays either, and I see a lot of ball carriers blowing right past him.

I hate that Bobby Wagner is slow. I love Bobby Wagner, but he is not the player he once was. He’s not great in coverage, and he got trucked so badly by Deebo in this game that I felt bad for him while watching. I need Bobby Wagner to retire now.

I hate that they are in some stupid hybrid defense that doesn’t seem to make great sense. It’s the ultimate feast or famine defense. They will make big plays and they will give up a ton of big plays. I need to see this team shift back to the 4-3. I BADLY NEED THIS TO HAPPEN.

I weekly hate the offensive play calling of my team, and it’s lack of commitment to the run. This has been a rinse and repeat topic for me on a weekly basis all season long. It is as oppressive to watch as it was probably oppressive to stand in a long line in communist Russia for toilet paper and vodka.

But, what I hate most about my team right now is that they do not, on any level, resemble a Pete Carroll coached team. They have shifted into this weird modified 3-4 scheme that sucks against the run and pass. They don’t commit to running the ball. They lack toughness in scheme and philosophy, and they really suck at being finesse. It’s sad to watch it unfold like this, but I feel like it has all finally caught up to Carroll. Maybe this is the natural conclusive place for this team to be at right now, but it sure as shit sucks.

My one hope that I am hanging onto is that, if they end up with a losing season, acting owner Jody Allen will have had enough of this, as well. I don’t know if they need a full shake up in the front office along with the head coach, but I am pretty sure that if Carroll stays, he needs better coordinators that come with way better schemes, and he needs a way better offensive line.

Shane Waldron and Clint Hurtt are not good enough. They are not getting the most out of the talent assembled on this roster. At the end of the day, maybe this is all on Carroll. After all, he brought these guys in when they were raw at coordinating and gave them autonomy.

The offense has been the bane of my existence as a Seahawk fan this season, but lately, I have really found myself hating on this defense more and more again. It’s becoming as painful watch as it was last year at this time.

Here is a shining example of just how much I think this defense sucks. On George Kittle’s second half touchdown, the Seattle coaches appeared to think that is was a good idea to put 5-11,195 pound, safety Juilian Love on him at the line of scrimmage like a SAM linebacker (?!) only to run with him in coverage to which Kittle caught the ball and shuck him off like he was ladybug who flew onto his shoulder. WTF was the logic behind that?

Good coaching is about putting players in positions to succeed, and not positions to fail. Bad coaching is forgetting this golden rule.

Offensively, it’s hard to judge Waldron in this one. He had to play call for Drew Lock, and he showed a bit more creativity, kinda like he did last week against the Cowboys, but there is just still nothing this offense really hangs its hat on, and I think that reflects on him. It is an offense without identity. I passionately hate this.

I don’t know, 49er Fan. I’m just venting now. I don’t even know why I’m talking to you. After all, I want you to do a face plant into fresh dog poop and receive a 666 scar on your forehead for life.

Maybe I am just tired of venting to Seahawk fans these days. Every Twelve has an opinion, and opinions are like assholes. We all got them. I just don’t want some goofball Twelve telling me that they think Drew Lock is the savior. I don’t need that asshole in my face, so I guess I am just taking this out on you.

So, enjoy this win. Who knows how long this will last for you. Your team probably has a two year window to win a Super Bowl before you have to pay Brock Purdy, and say goodbye some some of these annoyingly good pieces they have. Maybe one of them will become a Seahawk, and I will then like him.

After all, I surely didn’t think Richard Sherman would have ever have joined your wretched team. Sometimes, pay back is a cold hearted bitch.

As for my Seahawks, yeah.. fuck. It was a nice fight for a while in this game until it wasn’t.. again.

They got a lot of work to do to get competitive with your team again. I hope they have a really good plan brewing for that.

If they don’t, then I hope ownership steps up to find someone else who will.

Go Hawks.

And, also, fuck the Niners.