Dear Seattle Seahawk General Manager John Schneider,

Please stop being cute and just sign defensive end Jadeveon Clowney, or move on already. This stalemate is driving me nutzoid, and when I go nutzoid, bad things happen to my human’s furniture (plus, I cough up hairballs, which is gross).

I have a need, a need for speed in the pass rushing department, and last year, it was hard to watch your defense, and the lack thereof. Gimme the pass rush, John Schneider!

Or Ima gonna go nutzoid during this shelter in, and lord knows what may happen to this household. I might even be forced leave a poop on my human’s pillow.

Thus far, the only moves that you have made to fix the pass rush have been bringing back defensive tackle Jarran Reed for two years, and then signing former Seahawk fun guy Bruce Irvin. Don’t get me wrong, these are fair moves, but then you just stopped. That ain’t cool, yo.

That’s like feeding your fan-base dried figs and a few handfuls of walnuts during the day with the promise of a full course meal at 5pm, and then at 5pm, you start with a Caesar salad and a small bowl of french onion soup, and then you go take a pot nap, leaving them hanging. That really ain’t cool, John Schneider!

Look, at this point, I don’t even care if you bring back Clowney. That’s how desperate I’ve become. I mean, I would prefer Clowney, but I would gladly settle for Everson Griffen, or a value priced combination of Jabaal Sheard, Benson Mayowa, or Michael Bennett. Just bring in a couple more proven pass rushers.

Please don’t think that you can go into the 2020 season with Irvin, Reed, Rasheem Green, Shaquem Griffin, and LJ Collier as your main pass rushing rotation. That ain’t going to cut it, John Schneider!

Look, I’m sorry I just yelled. I know that you have a salary cap that you need to manage and you need to factor in future contract extensions like corners Shaquill Griffin or recently added Quinton Dunbar. That’s why I say that if you aren’t going to commit to Clowney, just bring in Everson Griffin for a rental.

Or trade for somebody like Baltimore’s Matt Judon.

Just do something.. like now. Pretty please.

Don’t go into the draft in a month forcing a need in a draft class that isn’t deep on the defensive line. That’s what dumb dumbs do, and I know you’re no dummy. So don’t act like one.

Plus, this non action of yours is REALLY BORING. With this Covid 19 shelter in, it’s not cool to bore your fan-base. We need action. I mean, it is pathetic watching my human starring into his smart phone every hour on the hour to see if there is any breaking news, only to see him flop it down in bitter disappointment.

Do you think it is fun to watch a middle aged man sulk? DO YOU?!

It sucks.

Sorry that I yelled again, John Schneider.

Okay, I got that off my chest. I trust that you will do something. I liked the Dunbar trade. I even liked bringing in wide receiver Phillip Dorsett (even though my human was a little annoyed that it wasn’t Michael Bennett). I am just asking you to do something soon.

It’s going to be really annoying to watch Everson Griffen sign with Buffalo only to then watch Tennessee out bid you for Clowney once teams are allowed physically examine players, and then you are forced to settle for Benson Mayowa days before the draft. Don’t bring that on my human, and don’t subject me to watching that.

Please.

Loves and hugs,

Earl Thomas Eastwood, 12th Cat For Life