Dear Seahawk Fan,

Buck up, Sugar Pie!

We got two more Seahawk football games to watch over the next two weeks. Now, we separate the goats from the sheep as to who the true Twelves are and who are the bandwagon jumping off hipsters that are going to start becoming LA Charger fans because something called analytics means more to them than all the blood and guts grid iron stuff morons like myself get into.

Alright, I know this match up against the pitiful Lions team isn’t going to light any spark under many bottoms. So I am here to offer a guide of things to root for in this game that “could be Russ’s last home game” in Seahawks blue.

Here we go.

If you want Russ out of Seattle and traded to the Giants for their two top ten first round picks and Saquon Barkley and Daniel Jones, root for Russ to have a great game to increase trade value. Pull your head out of your jaded butt for one hateful second and just root for the guy.

If you want Pete Carroll gone but Russ to stay, root for Russ to play great, but Pete’s defense to suck turds and lose the game against this horrendous Detroit team because of it so that it will make Jody Allen’s decision at the end of the season an easy one.

If you want both Pete and Russ gone, the same rooting interest mentioned above applies here, as well, most likely.

If you don’t want Rashaad Penny to be re-signed in the off-season to a big second contract, root for his injury. I know that’s gross, but football is a brutal reality for all involved.

If you want Penny back, root for him to run for 300 yards like he routinely did in college.

If chaos is the thing you are rooting for now because you are a sick bastard, root for Pete Carroll to put in Stone Forsythe to play left tackle instead of Duane Brown and watch Russell Wilson spin himself into ten sacks during the game because of all the ghost pressure he feels.

If you want to see the team move on from Bobby Wagner’s contract to sign a pro bowl center this Spring, just watch him continue to do what he’s been doing all season by making fourteen tackles ten yards down field and not being super impactful at the line of scrimmage.

If you want Wagz back, you’re not being a smart salary-cap-ologist, and you need to refer to the Over The Cap website so that you can become a more neurotic know-it-all Seahawks fan like ones seen all over Twitter.

If you want to see Seattle make major improvements to the pass rush, don’t root for sacks to happen against whoever plays quarterback for the Lions.

If you want to root for another snow game, pray to God that Mother Nature will hold off the rain projected to come in on Sunday. Honestly, though, snow turning to slush during the game might be a lot of chaotic fun, I might root for that one, personally.

If you’re a goofy Husky fan who thinks Jacob Eason should be the starting quarterback next season, root for a Seahawk blowout that has the big tall fella come in during a garbage fourth quarter and for him to throw five touchdowns on five passes, all deep shots to DK that Russ can’t seem to hit anymore because of his “finger.”

If you are finding yourself angry every time Russ is inaccurate, make loud fart noises after every throw. I do. It’s fun.

If you want to see Seattle bring back Quandre Diggs (so do I), let’s root for him to have two interceptions and maybe they will trade Jamal Adams for a nose tackle with upside and a future seventh round pick, and keep 6 instead.

If you want General Manager John Schneider gone, this is a really easy one. You root for Seattle to get blown out at home by these terrible Lions and every single Seahawk player stinks it up bigly.

If you want John back, root for every Seahawk to play well.

If you enjoy comedy, root for Lions coach Dan Campbell to do or say something funny that the cameras pick up.

If you want Seattle to have a higher pick at the top of round two in the draft this Spring, root for Seattle to lose this game and the one against the Cardinals next week.

if you are a sentimentalist like me, and you would like to see all the big names back next year, root for Russ to have a great signature game, for Bobby to make big plays, and for Pete to have a fun time high fiving his players as the come off the field after doing good things to put Detroit away early. Who know what is going to happen in a couple weeks time, but maybe two decisive wins to finish the season affords Pete and Russ a path to discover that they are better off with each other here, and they just need some group therapy sessions led by Marshawn Lynch and Kam Chancellor to sort through their “philosophical differences.”

In the end, I don’t know how this game will go down. After the debacle against the Bears, I’ve given up trying to predict. As I said on the most recent Dorks On Sports podcast, I predict one team will score 23 and the other will score 20. Who knows which one does what or how much it even really matters.

I know for me, this is a game that I get to watch Russ and Bobby play as Seahawks and for Pete to coach them, and I’m going to savor it. Who knows who comes back next year. I just know that the run these guys have had with each other is the greatest run in Seattle team sports and one of the best runs in the NFL. That matters to me, and I’m there for them.

Happy New Years, Everyone!

Go Hawks!

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