Prepare To Drink Heavily: Coping Guide To Bobby Wagner Being A Ram

Tough pill to swallow watching our Ex rebound quickly

Dear Seattle Seahawk Fan,

I know that the news of Bobby Wagner signing a 5 year 50 million dollar deal with the salary cap abusing Super Bowl Champion Los Angeles Rams is likely hitting you hard this morning. Just know that I’m here for you. I think I can help.

Let me tell you a story.

Back many, many years ago, when I was a younger Seattle theater actor, I had a girlfriend/fiancee who was smokin’ hot. She looked like a swim suit model. She was tall, elegant, and charming, with piercing blue eyes that looked through your soul.

She had a laugh that put you at ease and it made you feel disarmed in her presence. I remembered that my attraction to her was immediate when I met her (as would be anybody’s), but given that I found her so far out of my league, I never would have considered her and I to be anywhere near a match.

So, the moment when it was eventually brought to my attention by a mutual friend that the attraction was, in fact, reciprocal, as you can imagine, I was quite surprised. Obviously, this gal had a weird kink, I thought to myself, but I was glad that it appeared to be me.

I wasted no time asking her out on a date. It was a magical night, and within a month or so later, she and I were living together. A few months after that, we got engaged.

Then life stuff happens. Lots of life stuff happens. Lots of shit stuff happened.

I will spare you the details, nobody’s ever solely at fault, but I will just say that her needs and wants became very different than my needs and wants, but because of our emotional connection to each other, we kept drudging the relationship out to the point where it, well, became very pointless in my view. Something needed to change, and I felt I needed to be the one to act.

So, I did the thing that I never imagined I would do. I broke it off. I dumped the supermodel with a heart of gold and engaging laugh.

I thought I needed to be with someone more on my level, and she needed someone at hers.

I will admit that I didn’t do the break up very well. In fact, I thought it was very botched, and embarrassing. After five years together, she deserved much better than what I dished her way. To this day, I still hold regrets on that.

But I had convictions behind my decision, and I stayed true to the course.

I rebounded, got engaged immediately to someone else I barely new but projected a ton on, and when I gained consciousness to the fact that was also a gigantic mistake, I broke that off, too. I decided that I just needed to be by myself, and I was.

Many months later, I bumped into my ex in public. She was with a younger man who looked like he could be the stand in for Lenny Kravitz. When she locked eyes on me, she immediately looked away, and snuggled up to him tighter. She signal to me was clear.

“Go fuck yourself, Curtis Eastwood”

I will never forget the feeling of my ego in free fall at that moment. She found happiness with a younger and much better looking man who looked like he had his shit together way more than I did. This was the ultimate slap across my face.

When news broke yesterday that Bobby Wagner signed this deal with the Los Angeles Rams, the same feeling I felt back then crept up. I felt that we dumped him, and he found someone much better than us, and it stings like a motherfucking wasp bite.

Ya see, I got why the Seattle Seahawks cut him. His play over the last few years, didn’t justify an $18 million salary for 2022, in my view. Yeah, he made a ton of tackles still, but he wasn’t the same sideline to sideline player who made impact near or behind the line of scrimmage. Most of his tackles were beyond four yards down field, and rarely would you see him take on blockers like he used to do.

Honestly, I wanted the team to move on. I wanted them to go younger at linebacker and spend money in the trenches. As much as I loved and appreciated the person Bobby Wagner was as a Seattle Seahawk, I saw that change was needed.

It just sucks hard to see him go to the Rams, and if you are having a hard time with this, here’s my overriding advice.

If you are not an alcoholic in recovery as a Seahawk fan, prepare to drink heavily. That’s what I did when I witnessed my ex with Lenny Kravitz dude.

Sure, it was destructive to my liver, and it led me on a path of more bad decision making, but it helped me to move on. I did all kinds of whack stuff to drown the pain before I came to terms where I could make peace with the fact that she and Lenny Kravitz guy were probably a better match than she and I were.

The Seattle Seahawks need a rebuild. Their foundation is shaky because they aren’t a strong team in the trenches. Resources need to go there and $10 plus million dollars for an aging middle linebacker probably isn’t the best way to use those resources right now.

Go on a bender, if you need to, but trust that this is the right path. My breakup with my ex eventually proved to be the right thing, for both of us.

Years later, I found out that this Lenny Kravitz cat was apparently a bigger douche than even I was, but eventually, she would her true mate that she was meant to be with, and I found someone special who is perfect for me. This all made me feel like my instincts were right about the split all along, even though my handling of it was very wrong.

I have a strong feeling that the Seattle Seahawks will be fine, maybe even sooner than later, and so will Bobby Wagner.

So, let him go.

Go Hawks.


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